The Secret Life of Rue Charlot

Audio

Today I found an accidental audio recording on my phone. It was taken last night, and was 1 hour and 25 minutes in duration.

I had to relive my night of poor judgement in super intimate audio format. I could only listen to a minute of it before I had to stop it and delete it.

That was very confronting. There are some things you just don’t want to hear. There are some things I’d rather forget.

Anonymous asked: She knows how you feel about her, and she's sorry she doesn't feel it back.

This is awkward. I’m sorry for voicing everything… (if that’s you speaking in third person). This year I have really made a mess of things. Here’s hoping you forgive me for ruining this. 

Last Night

Fucked around with someone in my car, outside my friends house, we left the party for a while.

Fucked around with someone I shouldn’t have. A friend’s ex. Oops. 

My shit is out of control.

My shit is a fucking train-wreck and every day I’m becoming a worse and worse person.

And it’s all because she is up in my head, turning everything upside down, turning me inside out and leaving me with no good conscience, with no ability to think, leaving me with only useless thoughts of her.

You know you have problems when…

…. you threaten someone’s life.

Today I said these exact words to someone I am currently working with - “I will fight you to the death.” 

Shit is intense lately. I can’t even explain how out of control my life has become. It is like living inside a tornado, every now and then the eye will pass over you - but for the most part you’re fighting the inevitable and waiting for the next front to come in, throw you around and fuck your shit up.

Late Night Ramblings.

I am sorry for them.

Sort of.

Fitness.

I am rather happy with my fitness level right now. I am fit enough to get into the Army. The womens requirements are easier than the mens, and I could even pass the mens assesment too. This will be easy.

But… I’m not joining the army. That’s crazy talk. I worked with a woman for a few years who was in the army. She was ridiculously sexy, and roughly ten years older than me. I wanted to sleep with her. I’d always find excuses to go to her floor in the building and I’d always volunteer to run any errands down to that floor. She looked like a cross between Portia De Rossi and somone else… who is very attractive. After my boss and I had meeting with her (and once she left), my boss said “she’s not bad for a dyke!”. She was gay? Surely not! I had to try very hard not to smile at this discovery. This was the greatest news I had heard all week.

And then one day, her desk was empty, everything had been cleared out and I have no idea where she went. I’m hoping she comes back.

I am going for a 10km run tomorrow with a friend. Maybe I’ll change the route and we’ll run past her house. I’ve done creepier things.

uncover-it-all asked: May I just say, you have a beautiful blog. You seem like such a great well- rounded person. Thanks for following!

Hey… thanks! As do you. I’m super proud of all you little bloggers for having the courage to come out. Very brave and admirable. That’s something I’m still working on.

I’m going back.

This blog has turned more into me documenting my chaotic adventures rather that ranting about how in love I am with this incredible woman.

Every mess I have recently created is simply because of her. I am trying to find anyone that can make me forgot how much I feel for her.

Nothing has worked, I have dated more people since I met her than I have in all my years prior to meeting her. Okay, probably not entirely true. But I have dated a lot of people since I met her.

What I have found is that they are all nothing in comparison to her. I love who she is as a person, and I want to sleep with her. That is the combination I have not been able to find in anyone over the last year. I either adore their personality and I am repulsed by the idea of pressing my naked body against theirs, or I want my body all over theirs - as long as they don’t say a word and remind me that I don’t at all like their personality.

She is the rare combination.

I am out of ideas, so next week I am booking a flight to New York City. I will go back to the bar where I met a girl who wanted to take me home. I didn’t have the courage back then to even kiss her. I’ll take her out for dinner, we’ll get rather intoxicated at this bar and have wild sex in my apartment in The West Village which is a short walk/stumble away.

If she happens to be seeing someone when I arrive, anyone at that bar will do. I need to sleep with copious amounts of women in a city where few know my name.

My city is terrible for sleeping with copious amounts of women and keeping it a secret.